Atlantis found. . .finally! Nature: Italian researchers find fabled 'lost continent'
Italian researchers announced today that they had definitive proof
of the existence of Atlantis, the fabled civilization that supposedly vanished
beneath the waves millennia ago. The remains, which researchers described as
being 'nearly identical in every way' to the descriptions provided by Plato have
not yet been securely dated by radiometric means, but the context of the
architectural elements and associated artifacts are such that there is little
doubt this is, in fact, the Atlantis, the researchers said.
"This is a very important day in the history of archaeology," Lemnos
Barbatinios, the project leader, told reporters. "It will certainly shed light
on the development of other early civilizations now that definitive proof of its
existence has been verified by secure archaeological methods."
The remains were located on the third shelf of a refrigerator in Hoboken, NJ.
While some researchers not connected to the project remain skeptical, Jill
Rogers, the owner of the refrigerator, denied reporters' suggestions that the
remains were merely the molded-over remnants of an ordinary meat
loaf.
About time. . . Bad archaeological puns denounced
A group of professional archaeologists called on newspaper reporters
and editors to stop using the same archaeological puns over and over again,
saying it not only denigrates a highly professional discipline but is also
irritating.
"Look, we know you need some kind of clever hook to get readers interested,"
conceded Michael B. Schiffer of the University of Arizona, "But how many times
do we have to hear how 'archaeologists dig this' or 'archaeologists dig that'?
Yeah, we dig stuff up, but we also read things, write things, do really nifty
GIS work, and so forth. Can't you try something along those lines for a change?"
Other archaeologists at the press conference agreed. Donald Grayson of the
University of Washington in Seattle said "Do you know how many times students in
Archaeology 101 come up to us and say 'Hey, do you dig your job?'
thinking they're the first ones ever to come up with that? Do you know how
annoying that is year after year? And they get that from you guys. Just
stop it. Please. Stop.It."
Real archaeology at last Missouri archaeologists excavate, find nothing of interest
Work at the Cooper site, just southeast of Calhoun in Henry County,
ended today with archaeologists finding nothing of any particular consequence.
The site had been expected to yield a wealth of data for the period called the
'lower middle Paleo-Woodland' of Missouri, after local farmers found what
appeared to be abundant grinding stones -- known as 'metates' -- in one corner
of an alfalfa field. Archaeologists were initially excited about the prospect.
"We expected an entire lower middle Paleo-Woodland village to be here," said
Roger Whittaker of Calhoun Polytechnic, who led the project. "That would have
been spectacular. We could have tested many theories of social organization and
subsistence patterns here. How the ancient Native Americans farmed, hunted, how
they divided up labor among different social groups and between men and women,
how they fit into the region's trade networks. Lots of stuff like that. But all
we found after six weeks was a bunch of smooth river rocks. Not even a frickin'
projectile point. Kind of a bummer actually."
This is interesting Egyptologists enter tomb, accidentally break everything
A team of German Egyptologists today entered a previously sealed
tomb in Egypt's famed Valley of the Kings, but somehow managed to break
everything in sight.
"It was like some weird Peter Sellars movie," said Gerhard Shrodinger, the
project director. "Anna here tripped on the threshold coming in and it just went
from there. Next thing you know, she was plowing headfirst into a group of
offering jars, smashing every single one, and then when Johann tried to catch
her his shirt caught on a statue of Anubis and that went over in a heap. . .it
was terrible. We'll need a lot of glue here, let me tell you."
Asked for comment, Zahi Hawass, head of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities,
called them "A bunch of dumb-ass Krauts. You'll edit that out like usual,
right?"
Underwater archaeology update Fun, sun, and archaeology
A group of archaeologists spent most of their day sunning themselves
on deck rather than diving into the clear, blue waters of the Mediterranean
today. It marked the 5th day in a row that no one got near the water.
The group is ostensibly off the coast of southern Turkey to investigate the
remains of a Cypriot cargo ship that sank around 200 B.C. on its way from Cyprus
to Helicarnassus. Previous work has indicated that the ship carried jugs of wine
and olive oil to trade for spices and exotic oils from the Turkish mainland. The
archaeologists seemed largely unaware of this.
"We heard there's a ship down there, yeah," said Randy Barker, a student at
Texas A&M university who hopes to become a marine archaeologist in the future.
"But it's way nicer up here. I'm gettin' a killer tan, too. Have you checked out
some of the hotties we got working here this season? Suh-weeeet."